MAG.E 6/MAG.E 6 (Disk 1 of 2).adf/RPGs/4/4

Text File | 1977-12-31 | 14KB | 308 lines

                            USELESS SPELLS
                            --------------

I want to add a few "useless" spells, or spells that are potentially
dangerous for the caster(or may even spell it's doom):


"Detect Pink Bunny Rabbits"
"Get Flu"
"Summon Groo"
"Anger God"
"Air Shape" (like Stone Shape, but with normal air...)



This is all the "funny versions" of the MU's first levbel spells:

"Arrest Normal Fires"
A policeman appears near the nearest normal fire, then say "Police! Vous
etes en etat d'arrestation!" and then disappear.

"Al's Arm"
The Arm from Al (Quantum Leap) appears in a hologram fashion, waves to the
caster, then disappear.

"Armor All"
A bottle of Armor All appears and empty itself on an oject, then
disappear. Can be used to shine armors, leathers, or just about anything.
The effect disappear as soon as the "protected" object receives at least
one point of damage.

"Audible Glimmer"
The next glimmering effect you see will make pretty harp sounds in sync
with the glimmers. Example: looking at one's face in a pond.

"Burning Ham"
Useful to avoid being the cook for the next camp meal.

"Can't Rip"
Would be useful if it prevented you from inadvertantly ripping fragile
scrolls and such, but all it does is insure that next time you die you
won't be able to rest in peace.

"Change Sylph"
Anybody want to become an NPC?

"Arm Person"
Your Arm changes shape into another you, tiny-size and still attached to
your body. The Arm Person doesn't have legs, but grows tiny arms, and it
has a complete random (and generally annoying and useless) personnality. If
you have a familiar, it flees and the Arm Person takes it's place. You
can't ever cast spells requiring somatic components again unless the Arm
Person let's you do so. The Arm Person is so insufferable that you have 1%
cumulative, per week, of permanently  going mad or tchopping your own arm
(pick your choice). Evil NPC mages can cast it on others only if they are
NPCs. >;->

"'Chill Out, Man' Touch"
The target sees a black man, friendly looking dude appear that say "Chill
Out, Man" and then disappear. Higher level mages can make the illusory
black man talk longer only if they can roleplay with a perfect brooklyn
accent.

"Limocolor Spray"
Jets of limocolor paint shoot forth from the caster's hands. Unless taken
completely by surprise, creatures usually have time to close their eyes and
so are not blinded by the paint. Usually good for a good laugh or to
replace the "taunt" spell. The effect ends right after one target has
managed to punch you in the face, or make an action that will make the
caster all dirty too.

"Comprehend C Language"
Useful if you want to make your enemies believe you are a computer
programmer instead of a mage. The reverse of the spell, "Confuse C
Language", will make a computer programmer look like a complete dork.

"Dancing Blights"
This one is too scary to cast. :-0

"Defect Magic"
Next time you go take care of nature's call, your body wastes will have a
strong magical aura that every magic user can "sniff" without a detect
magic in a 100 feet aura. Some mages of a more animalistic nature use these
to mark their territory.

"Defect You Dead"
Bored of the game? The GM doesn't allow your PC to spontaneously decide to
do "suicide" for no reason whatsoever? Use this spell!

"Enlarge Ego"
To make those PCs really look grandish. Caution: you friend's nice magical
sword will receive the spell's benefit, too, and may take control of him.
The reverse of the spell, Reduce Ego, may save your friend from being
controlled by a magic sword, but since your friend will be affected too, he
will become so gutless that what you will get is a guy who will LET the
sword control him anyway, and constantly whines to boot!

"He Raise"
When cast at an action, will confuse the auction host into thinking that a
random person has raised the bid.

"Feather Mall"
A *huge* mall appears, with strange runes written all over it like
"K-Mart", "Woolco" and other strange names like that. Each store sell only
one thing: Common Feathers.

"Bind Familiar"
Your Pseudo-Dragon is constantly playing tricks on other party members?
Your brownie's too undisciplined? This spells really *is* for you!

"Fry Ends"
Whenever the target sits somewhere, he/she will quickly find what the spell
means. The spell lasts for D4 rounds +1 round /level.

"Maze Refection"
Had a group of adventurers went through your best dungeon maze and
destroyed everything in their paths? Doors broken, walls blasted, many
blood pools in various chambers.... what a mess. quick, cast this spell and
an army of giant ants will come to do these much needed repairs! Duration 2
rounds + 1 round/level. May require multiple castings if damage is
extensive (sually does).

"Grece"
Bored of the campaign world with NPC names with Dukomrumpuff which you
can't ever remeber? With 101 gods that don't make sense, and with a
geographical and political setup which doesn't make sense at all? Or maybe
you are just feeling bored and want some quick action happening? Or maybe
you have managed to make everything powerful in the campaign want to kill
you and are starting to wish you didn't live in that world? Just
cast "Grece" and you and you hapless party of adventurer will be
transported to a parallel prime material plane which is exactly alike
ancient earth, Grece! There is no garantee that you *will* end up there
(first level spells are kinda really unreliable), but if do you, you are
likely to appear in the midst of something dangerous, like, oh, just
between Charybd and Scylla or somesuch. Instant aventure!
This spell is *not* reversible.

"Bold Portal"
GM, you're tired of your players always using the standard "open door, kill
monster, take treasure" routine? Here is the answer for you! If your
dungeon has at least one NPC mage, simply have him cast a Bold Portal spell
in strategic locations. This spell will make any PC party wonder what is
going on. Instead of just telling them "You see a door", you can now put a
very lengthy door description that make the door truly look tremendously
bold and hard to get by (or maybe make the door look as if death incarnate
waits on the other side, or whatever your imagination lets you think of at
the moment). In all cases, very intricate keyholes appear. In fact, the
door is perfectly normal, but hey, don't tell the players that and have fun
seeing them cower in fear of what might happen if they try to open this
obviously magical door without the proper (inexistent) key, or get a laugh
at them if they decide to waste a precious "Dispel Magic" spell on such a
pitiful "bash it once and it goes" door.

"Hype Notism"
Caster will be able to quickly notice everything that is "Hype" (whatever
that means).

"Identic Fly"
By casting this spell on a common housefly, the caster will be able to
produce an illusory mirror image of an identic fly that he can control the
actions of. The illusory fly can't do things that the original fly can't
do. Example: if the original fly is in a spider web, the identic fly will
be stuck in the same web too. Component is a zipper "fly".

"Jammit"
Useful to Jam Radars (see the "SpaceBalls" movie for further details).

"Lite Brite"
You have a young NPC with you that contantly whines and generally is a
nuisance? Cast "Lite Brite" on a bee nest "honeygrid" and on a couple
hundred small nails, and you will get all it takes for that child to play
for hours while leaving you alone to do more mature things like bashing
their brains out of angry orcs and amassing tons and tons of treasure.

"Magic Fossile"
If you ever find a fossile (ya know, those reaaaaall old remains of
dinosaurs that are rockified deep underground), cast this and the fossiles
will become magical and move of their own accord. You have absolutely *no*
control over the Magic Fossile, so don't cast this on the fossilised
remains of a Tyrannosaurus Rex unless you can run real quick. One creature
(or part of, which happens 99% of the time since finding a complete
fossilised remain is very rare) per casting can be activated. The creature
is NOT undead, and a dispel magic can usually take care of it (making the
fossilised bones fall in a heap and much noise). Any fossil will do as long
as it *is* fossilised.

"Main Ding"
Cast on the biggest church bell in a half-mile radius, this spell (will will
be dispelled if another bigger church bell is brought/created in the
half-mile
radius) will alter the bell so that it will now make a big "DING" sound
instead of a big "DONG" sound.

"Massage"
Too greedy to pay for a nice girl to do that for you? Cast this spell and
enjoy your moments of relaxation.

"My Aunt"
Make your aunt appear. If you have several, the one you hate most appear.
If you like all of them, then a crazy old woman with a nasty temper and an
authoritative side will pursue you, calling herself your aunt anyway. In
any case, this is too horrible, you absolutely have to flee. For 2D4 hours
+ 1 hour/level, double your movement speed (up to 24, like a horse). You
can't stop unless you are ready to suffer your "Aunt", which never tires
and always try to put some moral into you all the while making you look bad
because, in her eyes, you are really a bad person. At the end of the spell,
you fall over from exhaustion and fall to sleep. There is a 100% - 5% per
level chance that you will have nightmares of your "Aunt" and thus will get
nothing back from your sleep.

"Nystul's Comical Aura"
If you want NPCs to laugh at you, this is the spell for you!

"Fantastical G-Force"
A huge spaceship, all on fire, Pheonix shaped, appear in the sky and lands
(obviosuly, this can't be cast underground). A deafening musical theme
fills the here. The G-Force comes out of the ship and proceed to bash all
enemies in sight. Then they get back to their ship and take off to 'save
the universe". Of course, this was all an illusion. Nobody takes damage
from it.

"Protection From Elvis"
The King can't touch you!
The reverse spell, "Protection from Groo", is a tiny weeny bit more useful.

"Red Magic"
From now on everything magical you do will have a strong "Red" look to it.
Your robes become redder. Your skin becomes redder. You bank account goes
into the red zone. You dream of being a bull and always charging head first
into a red piece of cloth. And so on. Above all, don't go into a US army
bunker: you may see a Red button (with the obligatory compulsion to go push
it...). On the other side, all damage you do to enemies will be much more
"spectacular looking". Like is the Japanese movies, blood will splash in
hectolitres even from a measly magical missile. Cubes of frozen blood will
spurt from a Chill Touch. Those killed by a Fireball will literally explode
and go splat themselves in all directions. Red Gore everywhere. Enjoy.

"Yield"
When this spell is cast, an invisible barrier comes in front of the wizard.
Everybody around must let him pass, provided the caster respect the speed
limit and is in a car (a cart will do, too).

"Mocking Grasp"
The mage grabs the arm (or other body part) of someone, and mocks
him/it/her. The mocked being gets no save and becomes angry, and punches
the caster back in the face for 1D8 points of damage, + 1 point per level
of the caster (those 20th level casters really know how to mock people!).

"Slip"
This spell is used primarily to get a "feel" of how strong the local
gravity field currently is. The caster will have trouble sitting without
pain for a few turns.

"Spider Crime"
Become part of the ever expanding web of organised crime! Join us by
casting this spell after each successful crime... When you've casted the
spell often enough, we'll send a professionnal to either recruit you or do
you in.

"Spock"
This is the source of all those elves that are in fact nothing else than
"humans in pointy ears".

"Tent"
Creates a tent. Duration one round.

"Tenser's Gloating Disc"
Works exactly like the spell "Tenser's Floating Disc", but this spell
produces gloating sound. The more items you put on it, the stronger the
gloat. At full capacity, all you hear is a maniacal laughter that will make
you completely deaf and maybe even completely crazy.

"Unseen Savant"
The Unseen Savant is a non-visible, mindless, and shapeless force, used
to... er... do unseen scientific reasearch?

"Ventripotism"
This spell allows the casterr's (or somebody else's) abdomen to seem to
issue from someplace else, such as another creature, statue, from behind a
door, down a passage, etc. Also, an "enlarge" spell is automatically cast
on the mage's abdomen at 20th level of magic use.

"Wall of Frog"
The only problem is that it doesn't stay a wall for more than a round.
Duration 2D4 rounds + 1 / level

"Wizard Bark"
With this spell, the wizard is able to bark, audibly or inaudibly, his
personnal bark, with up to six additonnal doggish barking sounds of smaller
volume. Then, whenever a fixed set of conditions occur, the same barks will
again be magically uttered at the location the caster was located.
A comprehend languages allows someone to understand the meaning of the
wizard's bark.

And oh yeah, how about these, then:

        -Resurrect Living
        -Resurrect Self (problem: have to be living to cast the spell)
        -Become Dead (the reverse of the above)
        -Charm Friends (not as good as Charm Self, I know...)
        -Turn Friends into Enemies
        -Detect Lightning Bolts (area 5')
        -Speak with Living
        -Speak with Self
        -Control Casting Time (the caster can control the casting time of
        this spell)
        and finally... (ta-dah)
        -Remove Balls (area: self :-) )